when things get bad in my head, they get so bad. and i dont know how to make it stop. i dont know how to make it stop. god i want to die. i need to be dead
realizing that i don't get jealous because of how much cal loves mila. i get jealous because i wish he loved me that much. gonna update more later. i think everyone still secretely hates me
holy shit! scrolling through other peoples neocities makes me feel wildly insecure about my lackluster website, but i keep trying to remind myself that i literally started coding two days ago. i've had alot to say today but now that i'm actually typing, i don't know what to say. i think i'm just excited to finally have somewhere to throw my random thoughts that isn't in everyones face on twitter. and theres just so much i still need to do here. just realized i dated this as 05/02 but its 12:25am so i suppose i should change it to 05/03. I stayed up all night on the 1st working on this site and then had to go work out and i genuinely thought i was going to die. unrelated but i've realized that i try to find ways i could kill myself in every place i go in. i don't exactly know why? i just do. i don't plan on killing myself in some random market or something but i can't keep myself from looking for every possible way i could if i wanted to. i dunno. i feel like i should introduce myself better just incase anyone other than my 2 people read this. my name is niko (or bird). i'm 17. i guess this much could've been gathered from my about me page. i honestly just don't know what else to say about myself. i live in texas (shit stain state). i have 11 cats! not all mine personally but there are 11 cats living in my house. i've gotten my tonsils out twice. is that a fun fact? i'm the youngest child of 4. i'm obsessed with the vietnam war. and birds. oh fuck did i forget to add birds to my interests? yeah. what else? i've been reported to the fbi. had 9 of those fuckers in my living room. i blame that on those 2 dead kids from 99. fuck. who AM i? i have no fucking idea.
back already! it's 3:45pm. i slept for 3 hours lastnight. had a doctors appointment and got prescriped wellbutrin on top of the zoloft that i'm already (supposed to be) taking. not sure how i feel about all of it. idk. here because i feel really shitty and i can't really talk to anyone about it. i'm supposed to be doing school right now but this seems more important. i don't even know where to start with this bullshit. i hate the way my brain functions. i hate love. i mean, i love mila and cal. and i am so glad i have them. but holy fuck i just wish i could stop being so possessive and jealous and clingy for one fucking second. i get jealous about how much cal loves mila. and theni get jealous of how much mila loves cal. and then i get jealous about how much cal loves cam. and the cycle just repeats and repeats. i just wish my brain didn't resort to turning the only good things in my life into something i am constantly stressing about. and fuck. i have never ever in my life felt like i've been the most important to anyone and i Never will be. i know that. i recognize that. i accept it. but it is so tiring just constantly hoping that these people actually care about me and aren't just talking to me because they feel like they have to. why can't i feel like i'm genuinely a part of anything? i belong nowhere and its exhausting.
well! after over a year of putting it off, i've finally made a neocities. its 5am so i don't have much to say but I had to put Something here. mark the occasion. something about this feels significant. whatever. i've just needed somewhere to store all of my thoughts. somewhere to put all the rage! y'know, all that edgy shit. this entire thing will probably be a WIP forever. i've never lived up to my own expectations and i don't expect to start now. if anyone finds themselves here.. hey? i'm niko. bird. i'm here for nothing except to leave a personal record of my constant mental deterioration. so, i've got nothing to offer but i hope you enjoy peering into my cage regardless.